Thou are HB...

Wow! I thought you would only use me to draw and you are here writing with me. I feel so honoured!

Really? That’s so cool...

Actually, I’m taking the piss, what are you doing with me? I am not meant to be used for writing, that is what Biro is for. I mean it is disrespectful that you are here writing away instead of using me to create an almost amazing picture...

Err? What do you mean almost?

Well you’re not the best at drawing. Sometimes the people you draw are deformed and half the time you just scribble across the page creating a mess and then I become blunt; though I don’t mind that so much as I get to see her...

Her? Who are you on about?

She’s so smooth and her skin is so shiny and she has such an amazing hole where I fit in perfectly...

Woah! Hang on... What are you talking about?

Miss Shar Pener! I love it when I screw her!

Erm! Stop it... What is it with you and that advertising pen? You are so perverse!

I don’t know really, but what confuses the hell out of me is – I have to be blunt before I go in and then when I come out I’m all hard – What up with that? And people relate us to their penises, we are very different.

Okay! Why do I even bother? I may as well just type out all my blogs from scratch and draw in publisher, because you lot are well freaky!

FREAKY? Well you’re more fecked up than I thought, you sit here talking to a pen, when really we don’t talk back – so who’s the freak?

God, you are so insulting! I’m trying to give you a voice so people don’t treat you like crap and this is the thanks I get!

*SNAP*

Pens who advertise...

Oh my, I am finally realeased from that prison you call a manbag and I have the liberty of writing your thoughts and feelings of the day; what a privilege! Please tell me that this will go into a blog? Or what is the point of writing. I feel sorry for these pads, as you write stuff down and then just leave them on the side. However, I may get to write this, but I feel sorry for the poor keyboard who gets thrashed with your fingers. I have seen the way you write; you write with anger...

...I write with passion; at speed! So shut up and let me get on with writing. You know, you are worse than Biro. You may be a bit fancy with your green plastic coating and your fancy click button, but you advertise that stupid Student Loans Company.

They are not stupid, they gave or helped you with money while you were at university, did they not...

Hahaha! It says swiss made on your arse! Now shut it, while I get on with writing or there is clearly no point in using you!

Use and abuse, that is all you do! I want copyright or I am suing?

FINE! What is it with these pens and thinking that they have me owned? Up and down the 'high street' I always want to see a fat manequin in the window looking stylish instead of seeing good looking ones in clothes I like, but I know will never fit...

Hahahahaha! You think a manequin in good looking and loose some weight fatty...

Seriously? Sod off! Where was I? ...or they do fit, but I don't actually look that good in it! These shows basically show an alternative mirror image of what most people want to be; you clearly have to be a model or have a personal trainer to fit in to these types of clothing. I though window dresses love to be different and strive to be realistically original; and how ever abstract, the better. I think someone should do a shop window with plus size manequins to be a lot more realistic, you would be surprised with the results you would get. I reckon it would be a good press opportuinity or press stunt to intrigue people into your shop! I could have so much funwith window dressing...

...you can't even hang curtains!

Well, I'm done and you're going back into my bag...

...what? C'mon just a few more minutes. I wish I was a pencil.

What? Why the hell would you want to be a pencil?

Because they get to screw sharpeners!

Yeah, but they after screwing, they become shorter and break easily. Just like a 70 yr old man!

Finally Out Of The Bag!

Okay it's been awhile...

DAMN RIGHT IT HAS, YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN SAT IN YOUR BAG COLLECTING DUST, BITS OF PAPER AND READING GT MAGAZINE MONTH AFTER MONTH. IT WOULD BE MORE STIMULATING FOR BOTH OF US IF I WAS IN YOUR HAND.

Hey! I've been busy and I've had my hands full with other stuff, so shut up so I can stimulate you then...

YOU DIRTY BASTARD!

You know what I mean! Oh, look it's raining now; we can a stimulating moment till it stops...

WOW! REALLY? WHY DOES EVERYONE TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER? IT'S ALWAYS THE FIRST THING YOU TALK ABOUT WHEN YOU GET IN A TAXI!

Okay! Did you here about Widnes? They lost the game the other day, played crap apparently...

OH SOD OFF! YOU HATE SPORT! AND HOW IS CYCLING A SPORT?

Do you mind, it's an Olympic sport and there's Tour De France!

FAIR ENOUGH!

Anyway, can you not be quiet and let me get on writing something for my blog...

FINE, I'LL JUST SIT HERE IN YOUR HAND, LET YOU PUSH ME BACK AND FORTH, WHILE I SQUIRT ALL MY FLUID OVER THE PAGE!

You're a Biro, not a Fountain pen and anyway that's just wrong!

HANG ON! YOU'RE THE ONE WRITING, IF I WERE A PUPPET, YOU'D HAVE YOUR HAND STUCK UP MY ARSE! SO WHICH SOUNDS BETTER?

That's it, I'm not talking anymore...

YOU'RE NOT TALKING ANYWAY, YOU'RE FRIKKIN' WRITING OR "BEING WEIRD" WITH THOSE "STRANGE" THOUGHTS...

Right that's it you're going back in my bag; you can read The Sun instead...

NO! PLEASE ANYTHING BUT THE SUN, ANYTHING BUT THAT SHITE!